Singing along 8/15/10

Sorry for the random updates the blog should be my focus and it hasn’t been for a few days. As you can guess I have been bummed BUT I have been working out. I did 30 minutes of biking yesterday which left me exhausted. I also had my shake and a salad with only two slices of pizza for dinner. Over all I had a great day yesterday. Physically I haven’t been this bad in weeks. I have hit a wall as you know and I am trying to work through it. I think I will fast one day this week. I have not worked out today yet but I intend to to try to break this wall. Emotionally I am suffering. I am just drained I guess. I have the biggest ISW show coming up soon. I finally had the chat with that one person who I love and care deeply for and while I have long known it would never go anywhere having to type it out forced me to acknowledge it and that just plain sucks. I sometimes wish I could sleep all day and all night like a coma. I would think that would be the best way to live. See when night falls I am cast under his spell in my dreams but then daylight breaks and my emotions go to hell. It is just the kindness in his eyes that enslaves me but the fault is mine once again I have fallen into the silly trap I am well know for, falling in love with people who can’t love me like I love them and that my friends is the bane of my existence. Perhaps I will wait for Jake to get home and try that again.

JUST KIDDING!

Love,

Matt

Kicking MY Own Ass – 8/13/10

Fucking been bummed all day. Depressed, sad emo fuck it all and I have been snacking against my new eating habits falling into old ones. Fuck this shit really hard.

Matt

If I had hair I would cut it emo – 8/10/10

Doctor’s was uneventful today. Surgery is scheduled for September 10.  I have been really down lately. Oddly enough an old friend had me laughing my ass off this morning since I couldn’t sleep. Work out was limited to 20 minutes on the bike.  I am really excited about our main event for our September show and can finally talk about it. A 6 MAN CAGE MATCH! I am stoked.

I need a new battery for my scale.

Matt

Fucked UP – 8/910

Yeah so I am pissed at myself I fucked up and had a blizzard from Dairy Queen today and did not work out any EXTRA to work it off.

I have been in the dumps lately. I am so excited about our next show but that is tempered by how sad my personal life has been.

Matt

Umm yeah – 8/3/10

Just so damn tired. I feel awful. I do not know what is wrong. I did my walk today my leg hurts on CRYING levels of pain. I need to use my cane but I don’t. I ate well. I did 20 minutes of cardio. I am indifferent today and I do not know why.

Love is shit. Caring is useless. So much to give no one to give it to.  I think I need to go to a spa.

Matt

My return – 8/2/10

Once again I have to apologize to the one person who actually reads this I have been down lately and haven’t been keeping up with my blog. I think it was more because I hit a wall. My weight hasn’t moved one way or another and it seems I need more weights to lift. Trust me I understand that this happens but it does not change my feelings.  Also I recognize this is no excuse to let my blog go unattended I reckon you all understand that this is the motivation for me, updating you and by avoiding it I was letting you and myself down.

Exact Change Only is coming up quick. Lot’s of work to do for this show, which is being labeled as our biggest show yet.  I can’t let out any details but trust me if you have been to the last show you WANT to be at this one.

I had a peach and two boiled eggs for breakfast. I had a mango smoothie (homemade) with a veggie wrap for lunch. People who do not eat mango’s are insane it is truly the greatest thing ever. I would love to get trapped on a tropical island with mangos.

I did 20 minutes on my bike today and 100 curls on each arm. I did 35 squats which kinda fucked up my ankle but hey who am I to complain I was reading about a female vet who had her legs blown off in Iraq. Oddly enough the article was about her inabililty to get contraception from VA hospitals but…yeah.

Physically today I feel great. Like I said I have been down, I hadn’t slept normally in days and it was fucking with my mind and my body. It was one of those issues where all things, good or bad race through your mind. As you all know I have feelings towards some one and yes it drives me mad but I accept it.  It hurts to be in love when the only you love turns out to be someone who’s not in love with you. It hurts to love some one so when deep down inside you know they will never want you no matter what you do.  And I do know that so I cry a little bit and move on …or do I lol!

Love ya’s

Mattie

Insert Witty Title – 7/26/10

I woke up late today. Mind you I went to bed at like 7 in the morning but waking up in the late afternoon is insane and I hate it. Generally I try to go run a few errands everyday so I can get out, today I wasted an entire day and I did have some banking to do. I am annoyed with myself.

My room is a mess. I mean I haven’t even finished unpacking from our guild/forum meeting June 10th. I have way to many clothing and am running out of room to put them. I have magazines everywhere that are meant to be dropped off at one of my many doctors offices yet I keep forgetting. I am annoyed with myself.

I did 100 curls on each arm (5 extra on the left). I did 35 squats and rode the bike for 20 minutes burning off 200 calories. I have not eaten yet because I slept through it. I know this is not healthy but I have decided to just wait for dinner and take it lite.

I do feel good physically, well with the exception of my shoulder and my ankle which I try not to harp on. I seemingly slept on my shoulder at some point and it is really sore. I wish I could use my resistance bands again but they really irritate my shoulder. I reckon my biceps and triceps are coming along well, much faster then I am losing weight but it should all even out eventually.

Emotionally I don’t know, Tywan and I are talking about trying it again but my feelings are 20,000 miles away. I do not want to hurt him. And the heart wants what the heart wants. I do love him but I am not sure I can give him what he wants in a relationship.  I must ponder this.

Matt